I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING