Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
twitter users today:
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.