them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
my astrological sign is a french fry