We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
cat vs inanimate object
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF