I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I have questions??
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.