People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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A completely valid reaction tbh
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me trying to reach for my goals
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]