“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
*puts cutlery down*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme