*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Happy Caturday!
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?