mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.