I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Namaste
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.