BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
You Might Also Like
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
wtf is an acronym
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*