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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
What a chick magnet..
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
This guy’s not having it 😆
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.