Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Why am I like this?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.