Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.