I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident