You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”