a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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Me as a kid: when I鈥檓 an adult I鈥檓 gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don鈥檛 finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn鈥檛 have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
鈥nyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
reduce, reuse, recycle
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who鈥檚 been asked what鈥檚 in their mouth.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don鈥檛 know what the other ones are called
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
who鈥檚 ready for the long weeknd?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That鈥檚 how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 馃槓
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob鈥檚 Wife鈥檚 Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”