Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
File under excellent bookstore names.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…