8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors