me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
How to make infinite energy.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”