Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
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Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?