do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?