I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I love the honesty
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor