My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.