Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text