20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Krampus.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Weirdos gonna weird.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat