Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
tinder is all about the long game
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think