Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?