He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
gm
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Oh we’ve met.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.