Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
🤣✨#caturday
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night