[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Called it
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?