A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
You Might Also Like
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Usage Guidelines
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.