When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
You Might Also Like
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“No way.” -Jose
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Skills
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.