You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
…..pretty much.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood