Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
You Might Also Like
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE