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The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Beware of the dog..
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
not seeing the problem
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.