the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.