[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.