[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
This bar smells like my childhood.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.