DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!