But is it really??
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.