Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
We need more people like this.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
getting corrected
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.