Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You Might Also Like
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.