how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
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Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Best seat on the street 😍
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.