Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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Wednesday
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.