{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
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I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree