luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
This headline is a thing of beauty
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
2023 was just a warmup
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.