[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence