You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
For the ones in the back.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Wedding planning is organized crime.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.