[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Coffee is ready.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.